CAYLPSO by David Sedaris

What I got from this is that David Sedaris is older and sadder than he used to be.  In 2011 I went on a big Sedaris binge, and read almost everything he ever wrote.  This year, on an unexpected holiday in Barcelona, I borrowed his first book THE SANTALAND DIARIES. So it is especially jarring to read his latest.  In the first he is poor and young; in this one is rich and old.  I’m not quite sure how you contrive to be unhappy when you have enough money to buy a second home (by the beach) or Japanese trousers that‘cost as much as a MacBook Air,’ but he is managing it.

Perhaps it is just him.  Or perhaps it just shows that, horrifyingly enough,  money really doesn’t make you happy.  Or perhaps, even worse, it’s shows that to get older is to get sadder.  You have more time for sad things to happen to you, so the odds are against you.  His sister, from whom he was estranged, killed herself. His mother is dead, his father is ninety-one and doing some serious hoarding.

You feel him sort of flailing for his old style, trying to have last lines that neatly and unexpectedly complete every essay (a miracle of his past books) but somehow, at least for me, it all seems a bit effortful.  That said, Sedaris not at his best is about ten times better than most.  A small sample:

I started seeing people wearing face masks in the airport and decided that I hated them.  What bugged me I realized, was their flagrant regard for their own lives.  It seemed not just overcautious but downright conceited.  I mean, why should they live?

This really made me laugh.  I feel this way about people with their raw/paleo/whatever diets, but I’m not ballsy enough to say so.

EXPECTATION by Anna Hope

Apparently once you reach your late thirties you lose your sense of humour.  Or at least that is what I get from this book, which targets my demographic with a surgical precision that is almost embarrassing. 


It focuses on three women in their late thirties in London, and is in some cases uncomfortably close to the bone.  One of them is a struggling actress, one is a successful but personally unfulfilled businesswoman, and one is some kind of flake who gets pregnant by mistake and moves to the provinces (or, as I like to call it, that place where they voted for Brexit and now I hope get to experience the full consequences they so richly deserve).

You can tell it is a book about London from the very first page, that builds up a picture of a house on the edge of a park in which the women live.  Outside is a gorgeous summer’s day with lots of picnickers:

Every so often one of those people will look up towards the house.  They know what the person is thinking – how do you get to live in a house like that?

Yes, house prices are indeed the main thing you do think about at such a moment, I can myself confirm. 

These ladies go through various ups and downs, and I did enjoy the great specificity of a moment and a place that I know well.  But for me it had an over-arching sense of sadness and compromise (no, you can’t be an actress, no, you can’t be pregnant, etc), that I can’t say I recognize as part of middle age.  I also was mystified by the great emphasis put on the achievements of women of the previous generation.  One older woman (apparently un-ironically) asks:

We fought for you.  We fought for you to be extraordinary.  We changed the world for you and what have you done with it?

I would have thought the case against the baby boomer fat cats was well established.  Mostly what we are doing is cleaning up the mess they made. 

Lastly, there was lots of stuff like this. 

Bitter red leaves mixed in amongst the green, walnuts and goat’s cheese crumbled on the top.  There is olive oil in a separate bowl, with a pool of balsamic at the bottom.  Good, chewy bread with salty butter. 

It made me want to beat them to death with their own Waitrose bags. 

THINGS WE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT WHEN I WAS A GIRL by Jeannie Vanasco

In this memoir a woman interviews the boy who raped her in high school.  It’s very interesting, as while we have all read many accounts of what it is like to be raped, I can hardly think of any accounts of what it’s like to be a rapist. 

This guy was her good friend in high school.  One night when she was back home from college, she got drunk with some of her high school friends.  She was taken down to his basement room to sleep it off.  Once there he took her clothes off, fingered her, and then masturbated over her, all the while murmuring about how she shouldn’t worry and it was all a dream.  She cried throughout. 
A few days later he called her to apologize.  She said it was okay and said he should red FRANNY AND ZOOEY, which was one of her favourite novels at that time.  She then didn’t speak to him for the next fifteen years.

The book is structured around her decision to try and write about this event, and the series of phone calls she had with her rapist about how he thought about that night.  Remarkably, despite the fact that the statue of limitations has not run out on the offense, he agrees to talk to her.  It appears that the event has troubled him for years, and particularly he is haunted by the sound of her crying.  However, unsatisfyingly, he can’t really say why he did it, other than that he wanted to. 

He’s currently a thirty-five year old virgin, and doesn’t have many friends.  He was smart in high school, but found college tough, and now works at a camera shop.  (Here he is on life at university:

I mean, did I have a hard time re-conceptualizing myself as a not-genius?  Yeah, that took some processing. 

This sort of confidence is why men are men and women are not men).

He talks about how he used to shoplift as a young man, just to see what he could get away with, and what I concluded in the end is that this was probably what was going on with the assault. 

I felt rather sorry for the author herself by the end.  She has had what seems a remarkably large number of non-consensual sexual experiences (her first boyfriend, four years her senior, forced her into oral sex; she was date raped; she was fondled by a high school teacher); and seems to have a lot of issues around men in general (she is glad her father is dead at the time of this rape because she doesn’t want to make him unhappy by telling him about it (?!?)).  I can’t think of a single significant non-consensual sexual experience I’ve had (I mean other than groping or whatever, but that’s just being alive and female).  Also if something did happen to me I would tell my dad about it ASAP because he would sort it out immediately. 

Also depressingly, it seems to me clear she lives in ‘cancel culture’ because she spends much of the book worrying that people will critique her for giving her rapist so much of a voice in her book.  I mean jesus lady, it’s your rape.  You do what you want with it. 

SOLITARY by Albert Woodfox

I read this book on holiday on a tropical island, and woke up the person I was sleeping with by quietly blubbling over it at 1 o’clock in the morning.  It is not a book about which it my business to say if it was ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but rather just to be astonished at what this man has achieved.  What he has achieved is surviving forty years in solitary confinement with his sanity intact. 

Woodfox was born to a poor and unmarried woman in the 1940s in New Orleans.  She sometimes had to prostitute herself to keep them fed.  Woodfox was picked up by police many times, often not for crimes but just to meet arrest targets (apparently this was very common in the mid twentieth century).  Eventually for a car theft (that he did in fact do) he is offered either four years in a medium security prison or two years in the maximum security prison of Angola.  Being young and dumb he takes Angola.   As he puts it:

The horrors of the prison in 1965 cannot be exaggerated. 

And this is a man who has seen more than most of us.  Here he describes ‘fresh fish’ day, where new prisoners walk to their dormitories.

It was also the day sexual predators lined up and looked for their next victims.  Sexual slavery was the culture at Angola.  . . . If you were raped at Angola, or what was called ‘turned out,’ your life in prison was virtually over.  You became a ‘gal-boy,’ . . . you’d be sold, pimped, used, and abused by your rapist and even some gaurds. Your only way out was to kill yourself or kill your rapist. 

If the latter, you were free from further rape, but would never leave prison.  He tells us of his entrance there in 1965:

26 of us went down the walk that day.  T.Ratty and I were the only two who didn’t get turned out.

Angola used to be a slave plantation, and was still run on similar lines, with white guards  (called not guards but ‘freemen’) living on site and the job being passed down from father to son.  Prisoners were forced to work in the fields for 2 cents an hour without proper safety gear.  At some point Woodfox is transferred to a different jail, and there he meets some inmates who are Black Panthers.  His life and his worldview are transformed by exposure to their political philosophy.  Barely literate before, he learns for the first time of colonialism, of great African-Americans, and of the idea that his mother’s tough life was a result of systemic oppression rather than her personal failings.  He pledges his life to the ‘ten principles’ of the  Black Panthers, and when he is transferred back to Angola single-handedly begins to try and re-educate his fellow inmates.  He now sees himself as a political prisoner working for the greater good.  He understands that prison operates by keeping inmates separated, and ill-educated, and works to unify them around certain causes (e.g., no more anal cavity searches), and to end the rape culture that destroys so many inmates mentally.  He meets two other prisoners, Herman and King, who are also Panthers, and the three begin a lifelong relationship that goes beyond friendship to a kind of solidarity we who are free will be lucky to ever achieve.

When a white prison guard is murdered, the three are framed for it, as the guards have noticed their power with the inmates.  So slapdash is the framing, that King was not even at the prison when the guard was killed.  Three inmates testify against them (and are then given much reduced sentences). Incredibly, ten inmates, despite beatings and time in ‘the dungeon’ (you don’t’ want to know), testify for them.  It doesn’t matter, as the all white jury are all closely connected to Angola prison staff , and so the three begin their time in solitary.  This is 23 hours a day in a cell the size of a walk-in closet.  Only in the late seventies are they allowed out in the open air for their one hour a day; at that time, some prisoners haven’t been outdoor in DECADES.  Prisoners frequently lose their minds.  Most are taken off CRR (as its called) after a few months, but these three despite blameless records remain there as the years pass. 

They are tear gassed so often they get used to it, and don’t need masks while the guards do.  They are beaten often.   But the claustrophobia is clearly the worst.  They remain true to their Black Panther ideals, unaware that the Black Panthers have long been disbanded.  As old men, Anita Roddick of the Body Shop becomes interested in their case.  The State of Lousiana, incredibly, first tries to claim that their conviction is not unsafe, and then that in any case solitary confinement for FORTY YEARS is not cruel.  Even has Herman is given just weeks to live due to liver cancer, they still won’t let him out.  Woodfox’s lawyer manufactures a way for him to see Herman, but the State says he must wear the ‘box’ on his wrists – which is known to be painful even for an hour.  He agrees to do it for fifteen hours so he can see his dying friend.  

I didn’t say much.  My communication with Herman was mostly silent.  I didn’t know how much time he had left.  I silently told him how much I loved him, and that when we didn’t have his back anymore, the ancestors would.

Eventually Herman, days from death, is allowed out of prison – but only after the warden is threatened with prison himself.  They take him to a hospital so he can at last ‘be free’ and bring in flowers for him to smell, his first in decades. He dictates a death bed statement, avowing his and Woodfox’ innocence. 

The state may have stolen my life, but my spirit will continue to struggle along with Albert and the many comrades who have joined us along the way here in the belly of the beast.In 1970 I took an oath to dedicate my life as a servant of the people, and although I ‘m down on my back, I remain at your service. 

Woodfox is eventually freed too.  He reminds us in closing that Lousiana’s incarceration rate is the worst in the world, at 1 in 86 adults, which 13x China’s and 2x the American average.  A two time car burglar can easily receive 24 years.  He also reminds us that the system remains institutionally racist, with a black arrestee 75% more likely to get a charge with a minimum sentence than a white one for the same crime
What impressed me most about this book was Woodfox’s victory in the mental struggle, which is the struggle we all face, though those of us lucky enough to be free face a smaller version of it.  It is remarkable to see how far he travelled while never leaving his tiny cell.

THE COST OF LIVING by Deborah Levy

Some people turn to drink to get them through their divorce.  Deborah Levy turns to notable literary feminists.  The result is a sad and thoughtful memoir about starting again at fifty.  It’s also a little annoying.  Levy (or her editor) aren’t shy, so there are lots of disconnected snippets of ordinary life, including a nice long list of what she can see in her study.  This is in my experience a major red flag in terms of getting carried away with how literary we are.  There is also some pretty appallingly bougey North London bits, as when her friend lends her a study.  (Who has this kind of space?  I’ll tell you, people with inherited wealth in N. London).  Also, she seems to find riding with Uber drivers unnerving, because they use satnav:

It made them rootless, ahistorical, unable to trust their memory or senses, to measure the distance between one place and another.  The River Thames, referred to by Londoners as the river, was of no geographical significance to the driver.  It . . .was just one of many abstract rivers flowing through the abstract cities of the world.

That’s just called being an IMMIGRANT.  I don’t know why she makes it sound like being rootless and ahistorical is a bad thing. For some of us, that’s just life.

Anyway, I’m not sure why I got carried away bashing on this book, because in fact I liked it.  She has lots of little nuggets of wisdom, of which a few samples, below:

The writing life is mostly about stamina 


It was obvious that femininity, as written by men and performed by women, was the exhausted phantom that still haunted the early twenty-first century.   


It is so hard to claim our desires and so much more relaxing to mock them


This last, I read out loud to a man, to say how true it was, and he looked at me blankly.  I don’t mock my desires, he said.  One thing I think is true: men are often more successful than women simply because they take themselves more seriously

Lastly, I liked her perspective on how sadness can be a choice. She said hers was  “. . . was starting to become a habit, in the way that Beckett described sorrow becoming ‘a thing you can keep adding to all your life … like a stamp or an egg collection.'”   She looked at it specifically through the lens of the kinds of narratives we tell ourselves. Here specifically on divorce:

When a woman has to find a new way of living and breaks from the societal story that has erased her her name, she is expected to be viciously self-hating, crazed with suffering, tearful with remorse.  These are the jewels reserved for her in the patriarchy’s crown, always there for the taking.  There are plenty of tears, but it is better to walk through the black and bluish darkness than reach for those worthless jewels.

It’s a long time since I heard anyone use the word patriarchy without an edge of mockery.  Patriarchy aside, I like the idea that you can pick or choose what story you are in 

LUCKY JIM by Kingsley Amis

Here is a book about a man’s heroic refusal to be reconciled to his own life.   I found it sort of revelatory.  I guess we must live in a culture that really does heavily emphasize the power of positive thinking, because I realize it has been a really long time since I last heard someone unapologetically despising their own life.  Somehow it was quite a relief.

This novel is about a junior university professor, Dixon, desperate to be retained at his university despite his total contempt for it.  He chose medieval history as his subject thinking it would be a soft touch and now faces a lifetime giving lectures on ‘Merrie England.
 
Here he is seeing a pretty girl with his boss’ son Bertrand:

The notion that women like this were never on view except as the property of men like Bertrand was so familiar to him that it had long since ceased to appear as an injustice

And here he is listening to that boss breathe too loudly:

Fury flared up in his mind like forgotten toast under a grill.

And here he is looking at some house plants:

. . . potted and tubbed palms of an almost macabre luxuriance.

His is a life just waiting to implode.  What kicks it off is this Bertrand’s girlfriend, who he manages to get talking to at a dance.  (Quick side point: watched enviously by another man, he reflects that “the possession of the signs of sexual privilege is the important thing, not the quality nor the enjoyment of them.”  I found this hilarious.  It’s what most people feel, I’m sure, but it’s few who will admit it).

He  upsets his boss with this flirtation, then makes bad choices in terms of getting a bit too Merrie with the whiskey during one of his lectures.  Eventually it all works out for him, better than he deserves, and it ends with the traditional mad dash to meet this girl at the train station and declare his love.  This book being what it is, even this is infuriating. He has to take the bus, which goes very slowly, and no person who has frequently to take public transport can fail to sympathize with his mounting rage:

Dixon thought he really would have to run downstairs and knife the drivers of both vehicles; what next? what next? What actually would be next: a masked holdup, a smash, floods, a burst tyre, an electric storm with falling trees and meteorites, a diversion, a low-level attack by Communist aircraft, sheep, the driver stung by a hornet? He’d choose the last of these, if consulted. Hawking its gears, the bus crept on, while every few yards troupes of old men waited to make their quivering way aboard.

I had avoided Kingsley Amis for years, having once read and really disliked a book by his son Martin Amis.  I’m sorry I put him off for so long, because I found this book both hilarious and strangely liberating

THE MOUNTAIN LION by Jean Stafford

You can tell this book is written from  someone’s real life, because it is just so entirely weird.  It is a horribly vivid recollection of childhood, and a reminder of just how gruelling growing up can be.

It’s full of reminders of how children see the world; here is the main character, a little girl called Molly, remembering a “. .  queer and somehow pleasant horror when once a gull had winked at her and she had seen that his lower eyelid moved and not the upper one.”

And here is a horrifying moment for her brother, when he asks his mother what she is sewing:

“I am making some curtains for Molly’s sitting room,” and held up a pair of bloomers, right in front of Ralph. 

The book is full of fun period detail like this.  At one point the kids are allowed to come home early from school due to the nosebleeds they always get after ‘their scarlet fever’ while their sisters stay “cooped up in school with nothing at all to do but chew paraffin on the sly”.  I’ve heard of sniffing glue but this is another level

Molly and her brother are very close, but over the six years the book covers they grow apart.  This is not for the small stuff – as for example, once, when she wears his Boy Scout shirt with the moto ‘Be Prepared’ on it, and he tells her that for a girl to do this is the same as  “dragging the American flag through the dirt.” (Note, this is a minor incident in the book, but apparently this actually happened to the author, and she cut the logo off with a knife intentionally mutilating herself as she did so)

What breaks them apart is hard to say, but is partly down to Molly’s bad temper (you can tell this is drawn from life, because the children are not all adorable innocents who need protection but real people who do cruel things).  More though, in some weird way, it’s down to sex.  Ralph becomes aware of the fact that it is not just farmyard animals who get busy:

He had not, in any conscious way, really connected his knowledge with people, as now he did, to his shame and sorrow, wondering with especial revulsion, about the Follansbees.  He found himself compelled to study the faces of the men at the diner table and to look with stunned amazement at Mrs Brotherman

Somehow this leads to their falling out.  Molly adds him to her list of unforgivables, which includes almost everybody.  Near the end, it includes herself:

. . she reached for her diary and her pencil and to the list of unforgivable she added her own name.  She burst into tears and cried until she was hungry, and all the time she cried she watched herself in the mirror, getting uglier and uglier until she looked like an Airedale.

The author’s brother, to whom she was close, died just before she wrote this book, and the writing is alive with all kinds of pain and comedy.  Read it if you want to feel grateful to be an adult already.